


Accidentally Saving The World: Uchiha Hikaku Edition

by FiresFromOurHearts



Series: The Overworked Hikaku Chronicles [1]
Category: Naruto
Genre: A lot of crack, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Attempt at Humor, BAMF Uchiha Hikaku, Background Senju Tobirama/Uchiha Izuna - Freeform, Background Uchiha Madara/Senju Hashirama/Uzumaki Mito, Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Family, Family Feels, Fluff and Humor, Funny, Gen, Hikaku might be running the clan and might be exhausted but he loves his family, Hikaku's very good vacation, Uchiha Hikaku seems like the most mild person you know but he has the best internal dialogue, Uchiha Izuna Lives, Warring States Period (Naruto), alternate dimension maybe, and people being badass, featuring exhausted Uchiha Hikaku, how to save the world and other fun adventures, if you don't go to an alternate dimension after being eaten by a plant are you even living right, listen it's very confusing for everyone involved even me, would almost recommend to others if not for that unfortunate ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-25
Updated: 2020-12-25
Packaged: 2021-03-11 04:35:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,084
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28259304
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FiresFromOurHearts/pseuds/FiresFromOurHearts
Summary: Hikaku casually saves the world while remaining the most overworked Uchiha in the history of the Uchiha Clan. No, really.Includes: Hikaku meets Tobirama and discovers he's kind of alright and he likes Tobirama and then it turns out Tobirama is very much interested in Izuna and Hikaku wants the fuck out of that immediately; Mito seems alright and then he realises she actually eggs on Madara's actions and loves Hashirama and doesn't mind his antics too much and she's definitely getting all three of them together in a relationship; Hikaku is not going near Touka. Just. No. Thankfully, she's not involved! The downside is that there appears to be a plant creature calling itself 'Zetsu' trying to kill them all. Somehow, it's still one of the best vacations Hikaku's ever had.
Relationships: Minor or Background Relationship(s), Uchiha Hikaku & Uchiha Clan, Uchiha Hikaku & Uchiha Izuna, Uchiha Hikaku & Uchiha Izuna & Uchiha Madara, Uchiha Hikaku & Uchiha Madara, Uchiha Izuna & Uchiha Madara
Series: The Overworked Hikaku Chronicles [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2070147
Comments: 10
Kudos: 63
Collections: Genuary 2021





	Accidentally Saving The World: Uchiha Hikaku Edition

**Author's Note:**

> People I blame for this: [Silver](https://archiveofourown.org/users/SilverUtahraptor) who threw me a crack idea when I was talking about how much I love Hikaku (which is also her fault by the way) and then I somehow ended up with juggling 9k. And then I got a series of shorter pieces that became a total of 22k or something. It's all her fault and I appreciate it very much. (You should also check out her works!! The majority are very funny.)

Hikaku is not meant to be in charge of the Uchiha Clan. Really, he isn’t. He’s third in command after both Madara and Izuna who, in fact, are the ones meant to be in charge. They have the training and everything! Hikaku has no training. You know what Hikaku does have? Bags. Under his eyes. And, unlike Madara, Hikaku isn’t trying to do it to differentiate himself from Izuna as a child. Of course, it only really resulted in Izuna teasing Madara even more and Madara’s left with eyebags that could probably hold up Hikaku’s paperwork which is no small feat. But that’s besides the point—he’s not meant to be in charge!

It’s not like Madara and Izuna can’t lead either. They’re _here_. Yes, they’re fighting on the frontlines and taking missions—so is Hikaku! In fact, Hikaku would argue that he’s actually doing more missions than the other two since he isn’t the Clan Head or the Clan Heir.

Except it turns out that both of them are awful with the paperwork. And the accounting. And, really, they’re great battlefield commanders and sorting out disputes, but there’s more to running a clan than dealing with outsiders!

The result is that Hikaku is perhaps the most overworked Uchiha in the history of the Uchiha Clan. This title has been bestowed on him by another Uchiha, the one in charge of the records keeping. Hikaku has an awful feeling he’s the butt of a joke, but as long as he doesn’t ask, he won’t actually know. Who has the time to ask anyway?

A cousin finds him speed-reading through a pile of paperwork with the Sharingan on an ordinary day. The cousin, a kunoichi who usually takes tracking missions as she’s fantastic at spotting the minute details left behind, has an expression that’s almost completely flat and gives nothing away. Hikaku, however, reads something in her eyes that has him blanching. “Don’t tell me the budget caught on fire,” he says, and he’s not ashamed to say that he’s begging. The last time the budget had been handed to Izuna, the other had tossed it in the fire as kindling. Hikaku had cried for precisely two minutes before he’d rewritten it all out and then handed it to Madara. “If the training ground is on fire, however, that’s definitely not my problem and all queries and questions should be directed to the Clan Head and his Heir.”

“Those… are not the issue,” the cousin says and Hikaku narrows his eyes at her. He only feels slightly bad. It’s been two days without sleep and his family know that they shouldn’t disturb him when he’s trying to catch up on paperwork.

“Do I want to know?”

“Probably not,” is the answers he receives. Before he can do anything, however, she pushes forward and continues, “Madara-sama has gone missing and Izuna-sama is going after him.”

Honestly, if Hikaku was in charge he could probably push most of his paperwork onto others and delegate some more. That sounds like a dream. The world abruptly realigns and Hikaku realises that he’ll have to deal with the _Senju_. Hikaku has been blessed to avoid all the alliance and treaty and peace messages coming the Uchiha Clan’s way. Madara and Madara alone deals with them. Mainly by setting them on fire and screaming. It seems to be working. Kind of. Not really when you consider the fact the messages haven’t stopped coming—but that’s not Hikaku’s problems and he’s not touching it unless he’s allowed to actually fix the problem.

But both Madara and Izuna had forbidden him from interfering because apparently murder and actual ninja solutions aren’t viable options. Hikaku is calling bullshit, but whatever. The last time he’d done murdered someone to solve a problem, Izuna had somehow managed to put him in charge of their farms and agriculture. Do you know when someone last looked at the produce they were selling? Someone who wasn’t a farmer? The answer is decades!

“Right,” Hikaku says. “Right. Madara. Missing, you said?”

Maybe this is a nightmare. Or a dream that’s oscillating between the worst possible event and potentially the best thing in the world. It wouldn’t be the first time something like this happened.

His cousin shifts, looking somewhat awkward and—embarrassed? Kami. Does he really want to know?

“Yes,” she says at last. “He was eaten by plants. Along with Hashirama Senju.”

Hikaku blinks once. Blinks a second time. And then doesn’t scream, which he thinks is a rather great success. “Alright,” he says, standing up. He snatches his tantō from where it’s sitting nearby and settles its sheathe on his back. Then he goes about and picks up his weapons, bringing as many as he possibly can with him, along with a first aid kit that’s almost outgrown its packaging. Once he has everything, he turns to his cousin. “I’m going to go fetch Madara and Izuna,” he announces. “I will be gone for four days maximum. If I am not back in that time, you can assume I have failed in my task.”

“Hikaku-sama?”

Ew, Hikaku has never been called that before. He never realised how much he hated it. That’s too much responsibility. He has enough responsibility already. Like. The amount of work he has is enough for four people, maybe. Hikaku is _one person_.

Maybe if he sets Izuna’s hair on fire, Izuna will actually listening to his valid complaining rather than shaking him off. What a dream.

Hikaku repeats his instructions as he leaves his house and heads towards the main gate. Even before he reaches it, he can hear the familiar sounds of Izuna screaming. “The missions for the next four days have already been organised and put in their allotted areas. If we get more missions, speak to the record keepers about organising who goes on what mission. They’ll be the ones who’re aware of who usually goes on what mission.”

His cousin looks like she’s about to say something so Hikaku increases his pace and turns the corner. The main gate guard is looking very hassled but is doing their best to keep Izuna within the Uchiha Clan Compound. Considering that Hikaku had threatened the next person who let Izuna out of the compound, whilst Madara was also out, with baby missions for the foreseeable future, he’s rather pleased by this fact. At least—unlike Madara and Izuna—the guard clearly knows who’s in charge. Which Hikaku shouldn’t be! But it’s probably too late to really drop all of his work and run for the desert.

A man can dream though.

Anyway. Izuna. Screaming. The guard’s growing agitation. Hikaku steps forward and smoothly inserts himself into the conversation. First, to the guard, he says, “Thank you. I’ll be taking it from here.” That neatly cuts Izuna off but, before the Clan Heir can turn to him, Hikaku looks at his cousin. “You’re technically in charge. Enjoy.”

Before anyone can somehow give Hikaku paperwork to complete for the rescue mission or, even worse, give him paperwork to complete _on_ the mission, he runs through the gates. There’s a loud screech and then Izuna is on his tail, complaining about something or the other.

However, Hikaku knows the other Uchiha is worried about his brother. Probably more so than most people as Izuna has yet to figure out Madara and the Senju Clan Head aren’t really fighting. Izuna’s always been a bit blind when it comes to the Senju Clan. He gets it from his father.

“You know where we’re going?” Hikaku says when Izuna pauses his complaining to catch his breath.

Izuna overtakes him, taking point, and says, “Yes. You know what we’re going into?”

Not really, but does Hikaku want to hear Izuna giving a speech about his brother in danger and the awful things that might be happening? On one hand, it’ll keep Izuna from getting stuck in his thoughts about his brother being dead or something _and_ Hikaku will be in the know. On the other hand, Izuna talking about the Senju and his brother sounds like a headache.

“No,” he says. Hikaku is _such_ a good cousin. He should get a gift basket for the shit he goes through for his family. Wait. Actually, that already happens whenever someone new realises that he’s doing almost all the paperwork for the clan and pretty much running it. Bummer. He deserves something better. A vacation? Ha. Some things are impossible and a vacation is definitely one of those things.

Izuna immediately launches into an explanation that begins with a detailed list of why he hates the Senju Clan, and Hashirama and his younger brother specifically, before continuing on about the Wood Release and how it shouldn’t be so powerful against fire. Eventually, Izuna actually begins to talk about what happened apparently.

It turns out that there was a small battle between smalls groups of Uchiha and Senju both being led by their respective Clan Heads, which indicates that something is up—Madara and Hashirama never meet outside of the main battles between their clans. If Madara had been planning to talk about the peace treaty without Hikaku being there to run damage control, he definitely deserves whatever came for him. Maybe.

On second thought, Hikaku isn’t sure he’s that mean. He doesn’t really want Madara to be molested by plants, though it’d be probably be rather funny. Or more fuel for his nightmares. It’s a tossup which one it’ll be.

Apparently, during the battle, Hashirama did something new and a plant then ate Madara. Which—“What? Ate him? Like a giant Venus Flytrap? Or did it swallow him like how Hashirama gets swallowed by trees occasionally?”

 _That_ had been a sight and a half and Hikaku had decided he never wanted to see that again because it was weird, kami damn it.

“I don’t know!” Izuna says. “I wasn’t there, remember? They just said it was something new and Madara got eaten!! My brother! Eaten by a plant! We have to go save him.”

Hikaku shoves his uncharitable thoughts to the back of his mind and decides to think of this as a vacation. Maybe it’ll be nice and peaceful and he can murder all of his problems. Well. Murder all of his problems except Madara and Izuna because _apparently_ you’re not allowed to murder family. If Hikaku offered to assassinate some of the Elders, he’s sure Madara would change his mind though. Perhaps he should use that the next time it comes up.

“Who are they?” Hikaku asks, although he’s fairly certain Izuna’s just referring to the other Uchihas who’d been there at the time. After Izuna confirms that, Hikaku considers it, because that’s interesting. It means that the Senju group had let them go, which might bode well. It might not.

Oh no. What if the Senju Clan do the same thing that the Uchiha Clan has done and fetched Tobirama and another Senju to retrieve Hashirama? Maybe he won’t mention that to Izuna. After all, it might not be true and—if it _is_ true—this way everyone else can deal with the yelling when Izuna figures it out and Hikaku can just. Not be there at the time.

“We’re almost there,” Izuna says, a frown on his face. “And—there are people ahead.”

“Perhaps I better take point,” Hikaku says. “That way you can surprise whoever’s there if such a thing is needed.” And, more importantly, Hikaku might be able to prevent any battle from really occurring, assuming that it _is_ the Senju Clan up ahead and not some random ninjas. If Hikaku was a bad cousin, he’d probably just let Izuna run into the battle and scream-scare the Senju away. It’s worked before and he definitely reckons it’ll work again. It’s a sound tactic. Although, it only seems to work if Izuna or Madara does it. Then again, no one’s actually tried.

But everyone else has self-control, so.

Hikaku lands in a clearing that looks like someone has tried to burn everything with fire. However, one rather large plant in the middle of the clearing which looks nothing like Hikaku has ever seen, seems rather content with the ash surrounding it. Hikaku didn’t even know a plant could look content! The plant, however, is the least of his concerns. It turns out that there are Senju gathered around, four of them to be exact. Thankfully, none of them are Touka. Hikaku has a streak going of avoiding Touka and it’s lasted for months. He refuses to get involved with her. She’s sane and willingly goes along with all the Senju Clan Head’s antics and loves causing chaos. She scares him, but that’s because Hikaku is _sane_ and fears things that all normal people should. Touka is one of those things.

However, Hikaku _does_ know one of the Senjus there. In fact, he’s worked alongside them for a mission before, not that he ever told Madara or Izuna that. He wrote it down, though, filed the proper paperwork and whatnot. It’s not really unusual for Uchihas to work with Senjus, even when some missions don’t necessarily call for it.

Listen, they’ve been fighting the war for too long and the Clan Heads and Izuna are always shouting about peace, whether they’re arguing for it or against it. It doesn’t matter. Hikaku only cares about the Uchihas surviving and sometimes that means working along people who are technically your enemy but also not really because the war is just a waste of resources. Of course, when Hikaku pointed that out Madara tried to set him on fire for being a ‘Senju in disguise!’. Thankfully, Madara had been running on four hours of sleep in the last week and had thought he’d hallucinated the conversation, joking about it later with Hikaku. Probably for the best.

The point is that Hikaku knows this Senju and they seem to be in charge which means that Hikaku might be able to avoid a fight happening. He waves. “Don’t suppose you have any idea what’s going on with the plant?”

“It seems to enjoy not dying,” they say blandly, and Hikaku can’t help but smile at the joke. “We’re unsure what to make of it. Hashirama-sama has never created something like it and…” They look at the plant, before looking away and back at Hikaku with an expression of fear. That does not make Hikaku feel better. “Tobirama-sama,” they continue, “thought it to be a new ability of Hashirama-sama’s that had been previously undiscovered. Along with Mito-sama, he… was eaten by the plant and went to go find Hashirama-sama. We are to remain here for two days before retreating to the compound and assuming the worse.”

That’s two days less than Hikaku had said to his clan, but he’s not a genius like Tobirama so he feels like it’s understandable. “Right,” he says, staring at the plant. “I guess-”

“GIVE ME BACK MY BROTHER!”

Hikaku watches with horror as Izuna runs towards the plant, sword outstretched and on fire. The plant opens its… mouth? and snatches Izuna, swallowing him whole without any warning.

“Fuck.”

 _A vacation,_ Hikaku reminds himself. Maybe this will be fun! Maybe there won’t be anything bad about it and everyone’s just stuck in the stomach—do plants even have those?—of the plant.

“You going after him?” The Senju asks and Hikaku doesn’t sigh or rub his eyes or just collapse into a puddle of goo which sounds like a _great_ plan right about now.

“I better,” he says. “I’ve always wanted to add ‘eaten by a plant’ to my accomplishments.”

“Wow,” the Senju says. “The Uchiha Clan Compound must be really boring.”

Yeah, Hikaku isn’t touching that unless someone promises to take his paperwork— _all_ of it. Not just a little bit. He tosses a wave over his shoulder and walks towards the plant. He’s a few metres away when it leans over and opens its mouth, grabbing him.

At least he knew what to expect, so he holds his breathe and closes his eyes. It’s an absolutely awful feeling, and he’s covered in what feels like slime. For a minute, everything is silent and he feels like he’s not moving, before he suddenly slams against the ground, cold air blasting him. Even with his eyes closed, Hikaku rolls and gets rid of the momentum. He stands and opens his eyes.

Honestly, this is far from the worst situation he’s ever been in. It’s not even the worst thing he’s been covered in. Really, it doesn’t make the top five. It truly is a vacation!

There’s no one screaming either. Hikaku couldn’t have thought up a better vacation for himself. He wonders if he can take longer than four days but, no, he did promise the clan to bring everyone back. He should’ve given himself a longer timeline.

Looking around, he finds himself in a strange place. There are plants all around him and the light appears to be tinged green. But, when he looks up, there’s only a green covering like—like someone has stretched the green skin of a plant over the top to form a sky. When he peers through the plants, he can make out rock walls.

None of this makes any sense. Don’t plants need sunlight to live? Are they underground? What’s the green leaf-sky above him? It feels like a bizarre genjutsu where someone just pushed a bunch of random elements together. It’s weird, one of the weirdest things Hikaku has ever seen, but it doesn’t seem that dangerous.

A nearby plant grins at him, showing sharp teeth which is _not_ alright and Hikaku hastily changes his mind. This place is somewhat dangerous. And he doubts that these plants will simply swallow him and leave him somewhere else. These ones look happy to eat him.

At least there are footsteps on the ground. Ones that are outlined in the same slime that Hikaku is covered in. Clearly everyone is following each other, which means Hikaku should have an easy path ahead if everyone else is taking care of the dangers in their way.

A vacation indeed.

As Hikaku does have standards, he dries himself off and does his best to remove the slime from his skin. It doesn’t seem harmful at all, just cold and a bit gross, but it doesn’t smell like anything and could be worse. Like the algae in the fishpond that one time. That had been disgusting.

He sets off at a steady pace following the footsteps. The ground is flat, seeming to be either hard packed dirt with scattered clumps of grass or rock that’s almost entirely flat. His journey, as a result, is rather quick and he makes good pace.

Then, from up ahead, he hears yelling. It’s one-sided and definitely Izuna and Hikaku should probably help out. Scratch that, Hikaku is meant to help. But it’s Izuna. And _yelling_. Still, Hikaku is a good cousin—and so deserves an award of some kind—and so he increases his speed that little bit more and reaches another open cave area.

Ahead, there’s Izuna. And Tobirama. And a woman with red-hair who Hikaku assumes is Hashirama’s Uzumaki wife. The yelling is definitely one-sided, though Tobirama’s mouth is tight and he’s giving sharp, short responses. The Uzumaki is hiding a smile behind a fan with seals painted on it. Hikaku is somewhat surprised by the fact there’s no actual fight going on.

Hikaku ghosts into the clearing, ignoring both Tobirama and Izuna who seem to be both focussing on each only. Sometimes Hikaku wonders whether there’s more to their relationship than simple rivals, but it’s Izuna so he’d _know_ if it was anything else.

“Hello,” he says. “I’m Hikaku Uchiha, I don’t think we’ve ever had the pleasure to meet.”

The woman closes her fan with a sharp snap that has both Tobirama and Izuna dropping their conversation and looking their way. _Interesting_. “I am Mito Uzumaki, wife of Hashirama. It’s a pleasure to meet you.”

“The pleasure is all mine,” Hikaku says with a slight bow. “Izuna and I have come seeking Madara.”

Izuna, of course, is unable to keep his mouth closed for the life of him, and immediately says, “WHO WAS EATEN!! BY A PLANT! THAT THE SENJU CLAN MADE!”

“I am not responsible for my brother’s decisions,” Tobirama snaps back. His voice is carefully regulated— _too_ carefully regulated Hikaku thinks.

“Boys,” Mito says, voice sharp, and distracts Hikaku from his trail of thinking. She steps forward, gliding over the ground, and steps up to Izuna’s side. Izuna, looking rather cautious for the first time in his life—really, Hikaku’s proud of him, offers his arm and Mito tucks her hand in the crook of his elbow. Without looking like she’s leading, she pulls Izuna forward.

Hikaku is in mild awe of her. He wonders if she could glare at his paperwork and make it complete itself. Or- Or maybe she could make Izuna complete his share of the work! Wouldn’t that be amazing?

And so, Hikaku finds himself walking alongside Tobirama as Mito leads them onward with Izuna at her side. It’s a rather curious setup, since usually Izuna and Tobirama would be fighting. Yet, here, they are not fighting at all. Though, Hikaku knows if Izuna was given the opportunity, he would definitely pull a face at Tobirama to try and rile him up.

Really, Izuna’s an actual child. It’s not the first time Hikaku’s thought such a thing and it certainly won’t be the last considering how many tantrums Izuna throws. The next time he does that Hikaku should definitely call him a toddler. It’s bound to make things interesting. Is there a way he can needle Izuna into completing his paperwork by calling him a toddler? Something to think about later.

After a few minutes of silence, Hikaku glances at Tobirama and decides to ask a question. The silence is alright but Hikaku has a great opportunity to figure out Tobirama’s skills _and_ attempt to find a quick way to find their respective Clan Heads. “Are you able to sense anyone here?”

Immediately, Tobirama’s mouth turns downward. “The chakra is thick here,” he says, which is definitely not an answer Hikaku understands as he’s not a sensor. However, unlike both Madara and Izuna, Tobirama seems to realise that he doesn’t understand without Hikaku saying anything, and so expands, “A sensor can locate nearby chakra signatures. If they are near a large chakra signature, this can hide ones further away. In the current situation, the plants here appear to… be embedded with natural chakra, is the best way of putting it. Thus, I cannot sense anything more than the plants as they are hiding the chakra of everything else.”

“And they don’t light on fire!” Izuna calls, almost interrupting Tobirama.

“Of course they don’t,” the supposed-demon of the Senju Clan says, an irritated expression crossing his face. “Look how green they are. They’re obviously full of water. Not to mention, they’re not _natural_ plants. They’re chakra-filled ones like those created with the Wood Release. Obviously, they’re not going to burn from a little fire.”

“How is that obvious?” Izuna says. “How am I meant to tell how much water a plant has by how _green_ it is? We don’t all have trees for brothers!” Then, with a glance at Izuna, he adds, “No offence, Mito-sama.”

Hikaku raises an eyebrow. It seems that Mito has Izuna well and truly under control. He’d be worried if he didn’t trust the Senju Clan with their peace. Outside of the war, all the Senju he’s met have been rather lovely, which is why— _Madara, Izuna_ —the only way to end the war is to let Hikaku find a way to murder the entire clan or create peace with the Senju Clan. But no. Apparently the war is far more important.

If Hikaku had his way, the war would’ve been over _years_ ago. Kami, maybe Hikaku should just claim the official position of Clan Head for himself to get everything done. But on the other hand, no, he really doesn’t want to do that.

“At least my brother,” Tobirama says, somewhat stiffly, “isn’t getting swallowed by plants without the Wood Release. How was he planning to get out of here?”

Hikaku knows Izuna well enough to see the way his shoulders tense, indicating that he has no response. He also knows that Izuna’s normal reaction is to then launch himself at the person and wrestle with them until they admit defeat. Thankfully, Mito is here to prevent that from happen-

Oh. It turns out that some things are truly unstoppable and Hikaku steps to the side as Izuna throws himself at Tobirama. Really, for two ‘rivals’ and ‘opposers to peace’ they get on with each other rather well. Hikaku narrows his eyes at them. Maybe there is something more going on there? It could explain-

A flash in his peripheral has him turning, settling into a defensive stance and Sharingan whirling to life. For a long moment, he waits, aware of the uneasy silence behind him indicating that the others have also fallen into defensive positions. For a few long moments, nothing happens and Hikaku tentatively relaxing. He leaves his Sharingan on but joins the group once again.

“Sorry,” he says. “There was movement. It might’ve been a plant though.”

Izuna nods at him. A short, sharp gesture indicating approval. A battlefield commander, through and through, he knows that it’s better to be wary than ignore the world around you.

“Better to be wary,” Tobirama says, and Hikaku catches the surprised and calculating gesture Izuna throws the Senju’s way. Okay, so maybe there’s nothing going on currently—but he wouldn’t be surprised if something did, eventually, erupt between the two. Of course, that would involve their clans not being at war. Not to say that there haven’t been stories of lovers on opposite sides of the war, of course, and Hikaku knows this as Izuna has gleefully reconstructed story after story with additional drama.

Like Hikaku had thought earlier, Izuna is an actual child.

Mito hums in agreement and steps forward, graceful as ever but somewhat more cautious now with pursed lips. As they walk in silence, it occurs to Hikaku that they’ll probably be able to hear both Madara and Hashirama before they find him. He can’t imagine them ever talking without a screaming match going on. Hashirama seems… very enthusiastic and Madara is. Well. Madara, to put it simply.

The one bright side is that most of the plants seem happy to watch them pass. Which. Is weird, because Hikaku is not used to plants following him as he walks past. If this is how the Wood Release generally works, Hikaku wouldn’t mind removing it from the world. Everyone would be better off. Seriously. It’s _creepy_ and that’s Hikaku saying it. Hikaku who is used to seeing red eyes in the middle of the night in the hallway.

“They’re nearby,” Tobirama says, breaking up the silence. His expression doesn’t appear to change, but his pace does quicken a noticeable amount. Hikaku is assuming that means nothing overly major is happening ahead of them, no fighting, no more man-swallowing-plants.

It’s probably awful to think but Hikaku is in no hurry to retrieve Madara and then figure out how to leave this place, as he assumes that Izuna and Madara’s favourite plan of ‘burn everything down’ is unlikely to work here. If Hikaku does retrieve Madara, that’ll mean his vacation will shortly be up and there’s a high chance he’ll have to deal with more shouting. Or maybe Mito will manage to keep Madara quiet too—she’s working wonders with Izuna.

Then again, that could also be because Izuna appears to be very focussed on death-glaring Tobirama. Well, death-glaring or checking him out. Hikaku would bet on the latter, but Izuna’s definitely going to be thinking it’s the former. He’s a little bit hopeless like that.

Fuck. Hikaku is _really_ going to need to get peace happening solely so he doesn’t have to deal with Izuna’s mourning of Tobirama as his ‘rival’. It sounds horrific.

That’s fine. Hikaku has a few peace-based plans. The only issue with plans dealing with peace is that both Madara and Izuna appear to be allergic to the word. Honestly, the brothers are useless. If it was as simple as forging signatures, Hikaku would do it in a heartbeat. But this will involve the Elders and actual treaty discussions, which Hikaku will likely write with both Madara and Izuna looking over his shoulder.

If Hikaku could get away with writing out a treaty and throwing it at Madara’s head, he’d do it. However, he knows that he’ll have to argue for and against points, which means he has to be involved. Maybe after this Hikaku can take a proper vacation? Except, no, because Hashirama is always going on about some village and Hikaku’s going to be involved in creating that too.

Maybe he can run away to the desert. Surely it’s not too late?

Then—shouting. It’s Madara and someone else, Hashirama, Hikaku guesses. _What are the odds_ , he thinks to himself, trudging after Tobirama who’s now leading the way. Izuna is on his heels, almost jostling him, and Mito follows behind them, not appearing to be as eager as them but she is, Hikaku can see that.

He blinks and turns off his Sharingan.

When they enter the clearing, Hikaku is only slightly surprised by the fact Izuna does not immediately throw himself into battle with Hashirama. Of course, that might be due to the scene they stumble into.

The yelling, it turns out, had not been because the two were arguing. Rather, it’s because Hashirama has plants coiling around his body, and he’s already been engulfed up to his knees. Meanwhile, Madara is dancing around appearing to do his hardest to set the whole thing on fire while yelling about the Wood Release and how “You should really be able to do something about this!”

“I’m trying!” Hashirama wails. “But they’re so happy!”

“Make them less happy!” Madara shouts. “Make them dead!! This is the fortieth time this has happened!!”

Somewhat reproachfully, with a pout, Hashirama says, “Now that’s an exaggeration.”

“It is not! I’ve counted them! There’s only so many times I can see you swallowed by plants before it’s burnt into my head!” Madara’s voice grows in strength and he is hitting decibels that Hikaku rarely hears unless Madara’s dealing with some particularly stubborn Elders and is doing his best to out-yell them.

“Husband,” Mito calls as she sweeps into the clearing, passing by both Tobirama and Izuna who seem to have become frozen by the scene of their brothers not fighting each other and, instead, attempting and failing to fight a plant. Honestly, Hikaku isn’t surprised in the slightest. “Do control yourself.”

“Mito!” Hashirama says, grinning, and the plants loosen around him and he steps out, not quite gracefully, but easily.

“YOU COULD DO THAT THE WHOLE TIME?”

Madara’s outburst is ignored as Hashirama reaches for Mito, who smiles and tucks her hand in the crook of the arm her husband offers to her. “Have you had a good time?” She asks then, before Hashirama can answer, she turns her gaze to Madara who seems to freeze beneath it like a mouse being watched by a hawk. “I am Mito Uzumaki, it is good to meet the friend my husband speaks so fondly of.”

“Friend?” Madara squeaks and then, regaining control of himself, coughs, flushing faintly, and says, “I’m Madara Uchiha. It’s a pleasure to meet you.” Then, eyeing Hashirama with a teasing expression, he adds, “How did you end up with a wife so much better than you? She deserves better.”

“I know!” Hashirama says with an adoring expression and Mito’s smile widens as she looks between both Hashirama and Madara and-

Hikaku had thought Mito was alright. But he thinks he passed judgement far too soon. Then, in his peripheral, he spots movement once again. However, there’s nothing there when he turns to look and, well, this place is _weird_. Maybe it was just a plant.

On the other hand, maybe not, so Hikaku drifts further into the clearing and into a position where he can guard Madara and Izuna’s backs. Speaking of, Izuna really should’ve started yelling by now-

Oh. There it is.

“BROTHER, WHAT ARE YOU DOING! THOSE ARE OUR ENEMIES. Except, Mito-sama who deserves to be recognised for the legend she is.” Mito inclines her head in thanks. “BROTHER, ARE YOU ALRIGHT? DID THE PLANT HURT YOU? DO I NEED TO MURDER THE SENJU CLAN?”

If anyone was going to murder the Senju Clan—which won’t be happening anymore if Hikaku has something to say about it—it’ll be Hikaku. Surely after everything he’s done, he deserves a little murder. Maybe he should just go out and commit treason and murder some of the Uchiha Clan enemies that way. It sounds like a good time actually, maybe he’ll take a stop in the hot springs on his way back to really make it a good vacation.

“Izuna!” Madara says, eyes wide as he turns to face Izuna as if only just now noticing him. Which. Is rare. Normally Madara notices Izuna straight away like he has a sense for where his brother is at all times. “What are you doing here? How did you get here? WHY IS _HE_ HERE?”

Tobirama doesn’t seem to care for Madara’s words, casting him a scowl, before scanning his brother with hands glowing green from chakra. Hikaku hadn’t realised that he could use iryō ninjutsu.

Deciding to stop all the shouting going on from the Uchihas and the bubbling words of adoration from Hashirama, Hikaku claps his hands. “Does anyone know how to get out of here?” He asks. “That is, assuming there is a way out of here.”

Madara stares at him with wide eyes. “Hikaku, what are you doing here? Who’s running the clan?”

For a moment, Hikaku imagines hitting Madara in the head with paperwork and reminding him that the _Clan Head_ is meant to run the clan. It’s such a nice idea. “A cousin,” he answers. “At least, she will for the next few days until we hit the deadline. Following which, the Uchiha Clan will assume that we’re dead.” Madara seems to have no response to that, so Hikaku turns his attention to the Senju party, focussing on Hashirama specifically as he can use the Wood Release. “Do you know where we are, by any chance?”

“I do!” Hashirama instantly replies, grinning, and he is _very_ enthusiastic and it makes Hikaku feel exhausted. More exhausted. He hadn’t thought that possible. Surely this man isn’t completing all the bureaucratic, behind-the-scenes paperwork? Is _Tobirama_ the Hikaku of the Senju Clan? Except, Tobirama is much more skilled. Does the Senju Clan even have normal ninjas? Or are they all… Well. Like Hashirama and Tobirama and Touka and Mito? “There’s like a world open only the plants that runs on chakra and the Wood Release,” Hashirama says. “It’s really cool, isn’t it? It’s like a perfect ninja playground!”

This place is full of murderous plants that move and grin and have sharp teeth. Cool is not the word Hikaku would use. Interesting, perhaps. Weird, definitely. Perfect ninja playground? Definitely not.

“I thought you said you _thought_ that might exist,” Tobirama says and Hashirama grin grows wider which Hikaku had thought was impossible. It is not and he’s suddenly reminded of the murderous plant with sharp teeth grinning at him. Except Hashirama is not a plant and not murderous, and really that just makes it worse somehow.

“Do you have any idea how to get out, husband?” Hikaku is not liking how Mito says ‘husband’ and stares at Madara whilst doing so. The fact Madara looks somewhat flattered does not help. The only bright side is that Hikaku won’t have to plan any weddings as that is _Izuna’s_ job as Clan Heir and Madara’s brother. Also, Hikaku refuses. That sounds like the most hellish nightmare he could ever imagine.

Why did he have to think of it in the first place?

“I’m afraid that’s not possible,” someone says and Hikaku whirls around, unsheathing his blade and dropping into a defensive position. Standing in front of the group is a-

What the fuck even is that? Hikaku hates it. Like hates it more than Madara’s possible wedding with the Senju Clan Head and his wife. He wanted a vacation. He didn’t sign up to fight some—plant monster.

Madara launches a ball of fire at the _thing_. Which, understandable response, Hikaku really feels that urge himself but he also wants answers. He’s not alone when he sends an incredulous look Madara’s way, he feels validated by that.

“What?” Madara says, shifting his weight, clearly uncomfortable. “I assumed that it was going to kill us! It’s a murderous plant—something!”

“They’re all murderous,” Hashirama says and manages to sound disapproving of _Madara_ rather than the plants. “They can’t help it. I’ve never met one who could actually talk though! That’s so cool.” A glance from Mito has him hurriedly amending his statement. “I mean, it’s not cool that it wants to kill us and we should definitely stop that from happening.”

Hikaku despairs for all of them. _These_ are the strongest ninjas of their generation. Hikaku should’ve been born to another life, it might’ve been better. Though, he does love his family. Even with all their shouting and lack of completed paperwork, he would never wish them to not be there. A vacation from them however? Sounds _divine_.

“Below!” Tobirama calls and the group of ninjas leap upwards. Except, the nearby plants send out tendrils to attack and Hikaku has to change direction in mid-air, cutting off a vine that tries to curl around his ankle and yank him back down to the ground.

Below them, the plant creature from earlier emerges and-

Yep. Hikaku definitely hates it.

Fire burns the ground but the creature in the middle just seems to laugh and then it splits itself, and clones form of one side of it? Hikaku deeply regrets coming on this rescue mission. He should’ve totally left it to Izuna. Maybe it’d end in blood and renewed fighting with the Senju Clan. Maybe that would be better than fighting a creature made of plant matter that can apparently clone itself.

The black clone—is it a clone? Or is it the actual thing since it’d split into a black half and a white half?—slams into Hikaku and he kicks at it, separating them. However, it’s too late and they’ve already been separated from the others, landing in a different clearing.

Hikaku rolls and comes to his feet, staring at the creature. It laughs at him, and the sound reminds him of someone screaming with a burnt throat. Izuna did it all the time when he’d been learning the basic fireball jutsu. Here, however, it’s not something to half-laugh at and Hikaku just narrows his eyes at the creature.

“I am Zetsu!” It announces like Hikaku actually gives a fuck. Seriously, you don’t need a name when writing a mission report. Which. Well Hikaku hadn’t _planned_ to write a report on all of this but now it’s clearly going to have to be written out. This is now adding to Hikaku’s paperwork! That hadn’t been part of the plan at all.

“Let me guess,” he says flatly. “You’re going to kill me and then kill those I came with.” It’s not even a good plan. It’s a basic plan. A _child_ could come up with that plan.

The creature—Zetsu, whatever—cackles again. “I will kill you and then infiltrate the group as you, murdering both Clan Heads and leading to renewed war between the clans! I will be able to take control of Izuna and bring back Kagura!”

Mm. Yeah. No thanks. Hikaku isn’t here for that. He’s not here for his own death and definitely not the murder of Madara _or_ seeing Zetsu somehow control Izuna and thus the clan, leading to what will inevitably be the death of the clan. That sounds like an awful idea. Not to mention, this Kagura person—plant?—is likely to be wanting murder everyone or something as well.

Because Hikaku isn’t an idiot— _Izuna_ —he doesn’t tell Zetsu his plan to kill it and just lunges forward. He’s not the strongest in the clan, quite a bit below both Madara and Izuna’s level, but Hikaku is still the third-strongest Uchiha for a reason. His Sharingan whirls, twisting into the Mangekyō Sharingan, and he switches between his sword and ninjutsu with ease.

Unfortunately, it seems that Zetsu isn’t that dumb even if it did reveal its plans to him. The twisting, constant movement on the fight doesn’t wear too much on Hikaku at least. One benefit from all the missions and fighting on the war front he does. However, Zetsu seems to grow angry at the constant fighting, at the fact Hikaku refuses to fall to it.

Zetsu dives below the ground which Hikaku personally isn’t a fan of. But, obviously, it has to come back above the ground so Hikaku leaps into the air and sets the whole thing on fire with Amaterasu. The black flames happily kill everything green in its path which Hikaku finds himself a fan of. The chakra drain isn’t great, but Zetsu does reappear in the one patch Hikaku left bare, a snarl on its face.

The fire only ruffles Hikaku’s clothing and he strides through it, aiming for Zetsu. Once again, they begin fighting, but this time Hikaku has the upper hand and the fight is clearly going to him.

Then, without warning, Zetsu lunges at him and avoids his sword, ramming straight into him. Hikaku staggers backwards as a result. Eyes wide, he glances down at his arms and sees black _something_ coating them. It appears alive, crawling up his skin and Hikaku shakes, trying to fling it off, but then it clamps down instead.

He drops his sword and finds his arms pinned to his side. He flares his chakra, trying to break whatever this is, but instead the chakra is drained for him and something laughs in his ear. “Poor little Uchiha,” it—and it’s Zetsu, it must be—croons in his ear. “Thought himself so good, only to fall to me.”

The blackness covers his eyes and it feels like it’s trying to bury itself beneath his eyelids. _No._ Hikaku doesn’t abide by eye stealing and he’s certainly not going to let it steal his eyes. However, he can’t even breathe out to prepare himself to try and break through, as the black slithers up his body and he can feel it, pressing against his throat, his noise, his mouth.

A desire cements itself in his mind. He has to go to the others, has to go ~~kill~~ save them and-

“Fuck that,” Hikaku says. The words are barely a whisper, and the black coats his mouth and his tongue and its foul and thick and heavy and Hikaku is an _Uchiha_ so he pulls his chakra and spits out fire. The black goes with it. It’s not much, but it’s something. “This was my vacation. I do not have time for some- some fucking _possession bullshit!_ ”

Hikaku slams his eyes open and does the one thing that all Uchihas are told to never do. He lights himself on fire with Amaterasu. The fire doesn’t burn him, it never does, but he can feel its heat against his skin—and he can feel the fire itself.

Amaterasu burns until its target is gone. The target is not Hikaku—it’s _Zetsu_.

When the fire disappears at last, Hikaku breathes out and hates the fact he can still taste the foul blackness on his tongue. Actually disgusting. But. That seemed to do it. A little bit of fire and a little bit of death and honestly, Hikaku thought it would go way worse.

The paperwork will be hell and Hikaku is firmly not going to think about it, but in a way this really had been a good vacation. He _never_ gets to unleash a little bit of murder-happy fire. The others, Hikaku, imagines are likely to be fine, and so he heads back to the clearing at a slow pace, brushing ash off his clothing and picking up his sword on his way.

He lets Amaterasu continue to consume the plants in the clearing. Honestly, this place needs a little bit of trimming and clean up. Hikaku is happy to provide the help.

The others, it seems, have most things in hand. And by that, he means it’s done and Izuna has Tobirama pressed up against a tree and-

Nope! Hikaku turns his head away and whistles loudly. Very, very loudly. He does not need to see Izuna kissing Tobirama with _tongue_. He’s seen enough of Izuna’s relationships, seen enough of his conquests, to be quite happy to never see anything of them again. Really, the only bright side is that Hikaku didn’t have to get involved this time to help Izuna stop all his flailing. Hopefully, everything will be smooth running from here and Hikaku will never have to get involved.

Ha. That’s a good laugh. As if that’ll ever happen. Hikaku mentally marks out a block of four hours tomorrow to deal with Izuna’s breakdown since he likes Tobirama rather than hates him. He can already hear the whining that will be going on. He adds another half an hour. Better safe than sorry.

At the very least, no one else is kissing and Tobirama looks mildly ashamed to have been caught out. Which. _Good_. Hikaku might never recover, you never know! Mito seems to be speaking to both Hashirama and Madara equally, and Hikaku’s certain there’s nothing going on there solely because Mito has _some_ decorum. No sense, clearly, if she’s trying to get together with both Hashirama and Madara, but definitely decorum.

Hikaku might’ve been happy to let them keep talking if he hadn’t just been possessed or choked by some plant creature that could turn itself to black goo. And that’s definitely the worst thing he’s ever been covered in. Definitely number one on the list. Anyway. Hikaku just wants to go home, take a bath, and pretend none of this ever happened. It’s been a good vacation, all in all, but the lack of bathing water is definitely a disappointment.

He marches up to Hashirama, Madara, and Mito, Tobirama and Izuna trailing along in his wake. “How do you plan to get us out of here?” He asks Hashirama who is the _Wood Release user_ and therefore should know. “I think it’s for the best that we leave before something else tries to kill us.” Only because if something does, Hikaku might actually scream if he gets covered in something else. His bath is waiting for him. He’s sure of it.

“If we don’t get out of here soon, I will be setting it all on fire,” Izuna announces, and Hikaku glances at him. None of them appear to have been covered in goo and the burning corpses of the white clones says a lot about the fire used in the clearing already.

“You can’t do that!” Hashirama immediately protests. “The plants are so happy here!”

“Brother,” Tobirama says, and then he waits, staring at Hashirama.

Like a dead plant, Hashirama wilts. “Oh, alright,” he says. “I think I can…” He trails off, tongue sticking out of his mouth, and a plant grows in the middle of the clearing. It looks _exactly_ like the plant that had brought them here. Surely if it had been that easy, Hashirama would’ve done that ages ago?

Upon catching sight of Hashirama’s sad expression directed at Madara, Hikaku concludes that Hashirama might’ve not done that. And, in fact, probably hadn’t.

Well, no point waiting around for everyone else to get themselves in order. Hikaku has nothing to lose and so walks towards the plant. Like the first one, it reaches down and swallows him in one sharp movement.

Everything is silent. Then—noise.

He opens his eyes and finds himself in the right place this time, the blue sky overhead. He’s never been more grateful to see the actual sky. Then, he steps forward and spots the Senju who’d first spoken to him. “Everyone’s coming,” he says.

There’s slime or goo or something on his skin once again. Hikaku really can’t be bothered care. He watches as both Madara and Hashirama are spat out, slamming on top of each other. For such good ninjas, they’re rather graceless. They scramble to their feet, Hashirama beaming and Madara with red cheeks, and hurriedly split apart just as Mito steps out of the plant. She manages to make covered in slime look good, which Hikaku is in awe of. He doubts he could pull it off. On the other hand, the fact both Madara and Hashirama offer her an arm immediately destroys in awe he could have.

Why would she choose them to court?

Next to appear are Tobirama and Izuna. Izuna appears first, stumbling but maintaining his feet, just before Tobirama appears and knocks him off-balance. Before he can fall, however, Tobirama catches his elbow and steadies him.

Hikaku actually hates everything. He does not want to deal with romantic relationships on top of peace treaties and marriages and whatever else is coming for the Uchiha Clan. This decided, he walks up to Hashirama. “The Uchiha Clan will be opening peace talks with the Senju Clan. We will be sending information about the location and time of the peace talks in a week’s time.”

Hashirama turns to Madara, beaming. “Mada-”

“We understand,” Mito says with a jerk on her husband’s arm, forcing him to return to his place beside him, silent but with a wide grin on his face. “We are eager to see where this leads.”

Hikaku inclines his head. “As are we.” He narrows his eyes at Madara who, as Clan Head, should probably be dealing with all of this. Thankfully, Hikaku is around to make sure everything actually happens.

“Yes,” Madara says. Then, without any nudging from Hikaku, he manages to get himself together and stammer, with a red face, “It was lovely to meet you Mito-sama. I look forward to our meetings in the future.” He glances at Hashirama who is looking besotted. “Hashirama-sama, you have been blessed with a beautiful wife. I will see you soon.”

And then he’s finally leading the Uchiha Clan away from the plant which Hikaku will set on fire if it’s not gone by tomorrow. Thankfully, he doesn’t have to do anything about Izuna or Tobirama who have retreated to their respective sides of the clearing, both looking rather uncertain. Hikaku will definitely be dealing with a Tobirama-related breakdown sometime soon.

The run back to the compound is silent. Thoughtful, which really doesn’t bode well. Before they reach the gates, Hikaku says, “You will both have to write reports on this.” The groans he gets in response is somewhat gratifying. He’s glad that they both feel the pain of the paperwork they’ll have to complete, even if Hikaku has more waiting on his desk for him. And peace treaties to think about and write.

Hikaku grins. There is one bright side to all of this. “You’ll also both be dealing with the Elders to make sure these peace talks happen,” he says cheerfully. “The next meeting is in two days. I’ll have a draft treaty ready for you to take.” The immediate chaos and complaints he receives is the best gift he’s ever gotten.

When they reach the gates, there’s already a welcoming party which Hikaku thinks is rather unnecessary. He doubts they’ve been gone for longer than a day. The cousin he’d left in charge meets them at the gate and immediately shoves a stack of paperwork into Hikaku’s chest. She looks frazzled and has somehow gained eyebags in the hours Hikaku’s been gone. He hides a laugh.

“Thank kami you’re back,” she says to Hikaku. Then, turning to Madara and Izuna, she bows. “Madara-sama, I leave the clan in your hands.” She’s gone in seconds, like staying around would somehow trap her into completing more work.

“That was strange,” Izuna says, which goes to prove that he has no idea how much work it takes to run a clan. Really, if Hikaku had been in his cousin’s position, he would’ve run if given the opportunity. He thumbs through the paperwork. Thankfully, it’s only completed mission reports which just need to be signed off and handed to an accountant to ensure that the ninjas receive their pay check. There’s one curious one that seems to be written about a sighting of a bijū nearby which likely needs to be followed up at some point.

Hikaku lifts his head, glancing at both Izuna and Madara who are standing awkwardly and doing their best to avoid meeting each other’s gaze. _Children_. The pair of them. “Go figure out what you want to add into our peace treaty,” he says with a sigh, knowing that they’re both likely going to be focussing on other things. “I’ll bring up a draft to the main house tomorrow to be looked over by both of you. Madara, you might want to begin discussions with some of the more progressive Elders about peace. Izuna, you’ll likely be receiving invitations for meals about peace from the more conservative Elders. Get them on your side.”

Okay so maybe Hikaku isn’t meant to be leading the Uchiha Clan but neither Madara nor Izuna are managing without him. He might not have the training, but he’s got the hang of most things now. He’s definitely going to be crashing for the next three hours after a bath and then working on a peace treaty that currently doesn’t exist because no one would listen to his advice about the peace talks! But. That’s fine. Hikaku can pull a few all nighters and have everything ready in time.

Pity that he can’t just light it all on fire or murder someone to fix any issues that are going to come up. Oh well. That’s Hikaku’s life. Back to work it is.

**Author's Note:**

> So I'm sure you're all wondering how I ended up writing this. The answer, as it often is when it comes to Founders fics, is that Silver tossed something at me and I accidentally caught it and now there's a series. To be specific, Silver threw "Hashirama accidentally grew some murderous plants and then they ate Madara's chakra and now there are killer plants who can also set things on fire and THEY CAN OPEN DOORS TOO OH NO" and my response was "Hashirama has theorised that there's a world open only to plants running not he wood release and wow there is, isn't this cool Madara!! And Madara is setting all the things on fire and really, this is Zetsu's playground and they might not want to be here." And then I pretty much came up with the summary and began to write. 
> 
> The only other thing I'll mention before I get into the fic itself is that my vague notes that I send to Silver about Izuna's horrible, very bad, no good day, which includes:  
> His brother got eaten by a plant!!! Why is no one else panicking?? HIS BROTHER!!  
> Hikaku being mild and normal and NOT PANICKING??? HIKAKU!! MADARA'S IN TROUBLE!! START PANICKING.  
> A SENJU? TOBIRAMA??? IZUNA WILL MURDER HIM FOR HASHIRAMA HAVING HIS PLANT EAT MADARA!!  
> Oh, Mito? What a lady. An absolute legend. Izuna is very, very scared of her. She's absolutely terrifying, have you seen her smile???  
> WHAT DO YOU MEAN HASHIRAMA AND MADARA AND MITO ARE GETTING TOGETHER HIKAKU?? THEYRE NOT. Oh. Wow. They are. MY EYES. MADARA, IT'S A LIE DON"T LISTEN TO THEM  
> This is awful. I've somehow ended up with Tobirama and commiserating over how our brothers are getting together with Mito and this is awful. Want to spar? Yes? I love sparring. And... muscles... and Hikaku fuck off will you? This spar needs to be private AND NO IM NOT JUST GETTING TOGETHER WITH TOBIRAMA HOW DARE YOU INSINUATE SUCH A THING  
> Oh yeah and that plant monster thing we had to kill that wouldn't die even when lit on fire
> 
> Me, attempting to channel my inner Silver, "think humour and crack and Izuna". Anyway, I feel like I managed to achieve humour or, at least, I made myself laugh which is probably just as good (i had such a time writing this and kept cracking up and it was a great writing day). 
> 
> Hikaku just wants to be a normal ninja and deal with his problems without shouting. A little bit of murder should be allowed. Unfortunately, he has been banned and isn't even allowed to bring it up anymore. 
> 
> If you're wondering about the 'eaten by a plant' mention. The answer is that Hashirama enjoys spending time in the gardens too much and plants lean towards more murderous when given the option. These plants, thankfully, usually spit people out if they're annoying enough or if Hashirama asks. Most people have been eaten by a plant, even civilians. 
> 
> I have no idea what Mito did to be able to control Tobirama and Izuna, stopping them from arguing, as she did. But in their defence, it's very understandable. Mito is a fierce, dangerous woman who should not be crossed. 
> 
> Anyway, Madara and Hashirama are definitely idiots especially when they're with one another. That's probably when there are no brain cells around. Mito probably has it realistically. 
> 
> As to Hikaku having the magekyo sharingan, I figured it was probably common - though I doubt people could control it well or used it frequently sans Izuna and Madara. 
> 
> Anyway, if you're wondering what the rest of the series includes, from memory there is: Izuna's promised breakdown, the mentioned biju, Hikaku not dealing with the rest of the founders, and an arc involving Hikaku being forced t take a nap. 
> 
> That's a wrap for this one. I'll update the series daily until it's done so like...  
> a week probably?
> 
> If you want, you can find me on Tumblr as [Silent-Silver-Slip](https://silent-silver-slip.tumblr.com/)


End file.
